多少

所以就像手指會自己記住鍵盤的鍵一樣
感覺人生也是一樣
不知不覺
你就記住應該有的樣子
雖然會有按錯的時候
但勉強都還是有delete鍵可以使用

不是所有的時候
但大部份的時候好像也還行
就是普通的活著
這樣可能就夠了吧我猜

所謂人生
我知道你真的沒有特別追求什麼
因為你也不是那種人
可是卻還是覺得不能停啊
就算你不是那種人
還是覺得人生總有些事情是可以去追求的

makes me really sad to stay at home
to be honest
to be with mom for such a long period of time
it hurts me all the time because I have to hurt you
I don't understand why
why can't you just listen
why can't you just listen to us
why can't you just accept
we're not pursuing for anything in particular
I don't fantasise to dine at home
not a bit
not at all
I just want to come home and eat the stuff I want to eat
which is always the same
I didn't change a lot
I went to the places that basically they all know me
that's the place where I think taste like home did
since you can't cook
it's not tasty at all
I just don't see the reason of doing this
and it hurts you
and it hurts me
I can't do anything today
cause I'm in such a bad mood just because we refuse to eat at home
I still don't get it
there's really no point of doing it
and I will have to stay hungry while you have to finish what you made
doesn't that sound stupid
it makes me sad
I hope
that you'll listen
there's no wrong to dine outside
we don't cook at our house
that's how we grew up
and we have no desire to change that
why can't you just give up

所以總有一種deja vu的感覺
怎麼好像以前也發生過一樣的事情
待在家比不待在家還要難過
那種絕望的感覺好像又全回來了
就這麼一件事就可以搞到我覺得世界又要毀滅了一樣


為什麼你就是不懂
it doesn't make us feel happy at all

結果結論是
長大之後還是一樣
你還是一樣的無力
你還是一樣什麼都改變不了

人生啊
就必須是不斷掙扎的過程是吧
我覺得我好像掙脫不了了
這循環
why

每次每次都是要幫自己打氣
要告訴自己你可以
放棄自己的人生
so that everyone else will feel happy
you guys just don't understand
how much I struggle everyday

我記得那天哭了
很久沒有哭了
因為很久沒有想了
很久沒有想些未來
很久沒有想些活下去的事

不知道要寫些什麼了
我猜待在家裡大概就是這樣吧
這樣要怎麼活
家不是應該要帶來安全感和快樂嗎
什麼時候開始家變成這麼一個難受的地方
所以我那時候寫在牆上的仍然valid



我不是任性的小孩
I'm not the one who you think you know
you don't know me anymore



苦しい
もう苦しい
生きることは苦しい

I hope one day
there will be someone to go through all the things I wrote down
and felt the deep sorrow and dark feelings in my heart
I didn't choose to live
and you didn't choose to die
I know